Reflections of a bullying victim

This year I wore a Pink Shirt on Pink Shirt Day - Friday the 20th May.

For anyone wondering what Pink Shirt Day is all about, their tag line is

"Speak Up.
Stand Together.
Stop Bullying."

Throughout the day I was recollecting the two times in my life that I can 100% honestly say I felt bullied, both very, very different and in two different millennium!

When I was at primary school I was bullied.  So much so that my parents decided to shift schools at the end of standard four (Year 6 in today's world).  But before they made this decision, I remember getting to the point where I hated school. I was never physically harmed, but it certainly came close! I recall my father showing me how to throw a punch and telling me that if I ever needed to defend myself, that he would stand up for me.  Luckily it never got to that. The bullying that occurred was more of the psychological variety, and to this day it is still hard to talk about.  I won't go into details, but it pretty much made me feel lonely, unwanted, sad, angry, ugly, dumb, stupid and smelly.  Not fun for five years.  Not fun when you are 10, and don't know how to cope with it all.  Also, not fun when you would tell the teachers, and they couldn't (or maybe just didn't?) do anything about it, other than tell you not to let it upset you.

Over the years, I have often wondered what happened to some of those who bullied me.
I am not brave enough yet to go looking, but I am curious.

It makes me think now - I wonder what I would do, if I was one of those teachers?

I can honestly say that dealing with bullying has been one of the hardest jobs in my experience of being an educator.  And I will also be brutally honest and say that I think I need more work, more learning and more time.

But I wish I didn't have to learn how to deal with bullying in schools.

I also wish I didn't have to learn about bullying as an adult.

But I have.

I have "Stood Up" - unfortunately all by myself - to try and stop the bullying and learnt that to stop bullying in adults is hard work, and a job that seems to need a lot of voices.

Oh well.

One day I hope to be able to "Speak Up" about it. But not today.

Today - I am making my solo stand.

And then I found a friend.



And I am sure I will find more.

For more information about bullying - including research, and what you can do if you are being bullied, click this link https://www.pinkshirtday.org.nz/the-facts/

For workplace bullying specific information, I found this site very useful. http://www.business.govt.nz/worksafe/information-guidance/all-guidance-items/bullying-guidelines/01

Just FYI - I am not currently being bullied and am quite happy with everything in my life :) thanks for asking!!!

An apology to all the students I have failed.

After watching this video (warning, have the tissues ready) I have had a great discussion and reflection with my colleagues about sometimes you just don't realise how much of an impact you have on the success of your students.

On the flip side though, as someone pointed out, you could make a similar video with the same emotional pull, with students that have not been as successful.

On that note, I know there are many students out there who I have "failed".

If this is you, and you are out there, I am sorry.

I am sorry to those of you that I taught in my first year or two.  You didn't get the "best" teacher. That I was (and still am) learning how to become a better teacher. To be honest with you and say that on the bad days I felt like a fish out of water and on the good days that I was merely treading water.
I am sorry that bared the brunt of my short temper in those beginning years.  I failed numerous times to stay calm. I am sorry that I yelled at you.
I am sorry that for a long time, I felt like I had to focus on NCEA results, "preparing" you for assessment after assessment after assessment and not spending time exploring how fun it can be to just "do" science.
I am sorry to those of you whom already knew all the stuff we were learning about.  I should have talked to you more and found out where else you could go with your learning.
I am sorry if you were falling behind and I never realised until too late.  I should have talked to you more and figured out a way in which we could work together to reach that understanding.

I am sorry.

And I also say thank you.

Thank you for not walking out on me (well, mostly).

I am not who I am today without all that I have tried to help learn.
And I hope you realise that I am trying to learn about this thing called teaching.  I think I still have a long way to go before I am the "best" teacher (honestly, I don't think that is a destination that my journey will ever arrive at) but I am trying to get better.  And that is a promise.

I have always said that the day I have the "perfect" lesson is the day I need to retire.  I still stand by that.

Mō taku hē, mō taku hē.

Paula.
aka Mrs Hay
aka Miss Wightman